Cream pudding using tofu

 Avoiding a recent disaster, I returned to tweak my longstanding recipe (instant pudding mix + extra firm silken tofu). It came out really good, without that tofu flavor assaulting you. It's noon and I've already eaten it as a filling in 2 pieces of pie.

The addition of flavored extract helps negate the tofu aftertaste that was bugging me. The addition of fat improves mouthfeel and makes it more dessert-like.

Formula

• 1 box instant pudding mix
• 2 tsp flavored extract
• 2 tbs melted butter or margarine
• 4 oz coconut milk
• 1 block of extra firm silken tofu

Drain the tofu. Put everything in a bowl and blend it together until it's totally smooth. That's it.

Yesterday I used vanilla pudding mix and coconut extract in this recipe. I toasted some coconut to sprinkle on top. It was definitely better the next day.

Vanilla Pudding Disaster

 One week later and I'm hanging my head in shame for falling for another bad recipe: Vegan Vanilla Pudding.

It sounded SO GOOD. I wanted to believe.

After the recommended 10 minute cook time on low heat, the mixture is still iced cold. I cooked another 20 minutes--3 times the cook time in the directions--and it's still total liquid. Not thick at all.

I guess I need to stick to stuff that is tested in professional kitchens or something. I guess they vet the ingredients list to be sure it's specific enough for a home cook to get it right. 

Beans + Brownie Mix + Wine + Colace = Healthy, Easy Dessert

Social media is buzzing with a new fad of making brownies with just a box of brownie mix and a can of beans. I've been hesitating to try it because it sounds too good to be true, but after 392 people say something is healthy, easy and good, it makes me curious.

Basically, they say you can simply puree a can of black beans, stir in boxed brownie mix, bake as normal, and have delicious results.

And that is true, if you like demi dolce brownies. Demi dolce is a beautiful thing, say for some Italian dessert recipes. It's also great for brownies, if you like your brownies tough and 10% satisfying to eat.

You have to tread lightly when making a dessert healthy. If you take it too far to the healthy side, you could wind up unsatisfied when eating it, and eating larger portions.

I can attest to this, because I've got a fibrous black bean mass living in my colon right now that would undoubtedly show up on x-rays. I may need to have it surgically removed.

This recipe is:

• easy
• cheap
• a great thing to bring to a potluck, if you want to never be invited again
• chocolatey, in the sense that it's the color, but not the flavor of chocolate
• dense, not in a good way
• chewy, if you like to gnaw on a rawhide dog toy
• a waste of good ingredients that didn't deserve this fate
• a crime against your stomach
• banned in some countries

Ingredients

• 1 box brownie mix (I used an 18 ounce box.)
• 1 can no salt black beans 
• wine, to taste
• 2-3 capsules of over-the-counter stool softener

Instructions

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
2. Grease a 13 " x 9 " pan.
3. Pour the wine into your favorite drinking glass.
4. Pour the can of beans into a large mixing bowl.
5. Use your stick blender to puree them until smooth.
6. Take a break to get a sip of wine and pat yourself on the back for cracking the code of secretly healthy brownies.
7. Pour the brownie mix into the mixing bowl.
8. Do not smell the batter. (You were warned.)
9. Weep because of the crime you just committed.
10. Stir vigorously until well blended. This will be a workout because you're basically mixing something the consistency of grout.
11. Realize you have just made a huge error in judgement making this recipe, take 4 more sips of wine, and go all in.
12. Pour the concoction into the baking pan. Work quickly, because the batter will thicken by the second as it evolves before your eyes into a sentient, malevolent being. Here is an actual photo of the batter before malevolence took hold.
    
13. Bake for as long as it says on the box. Ignore the moans and screams coming from the oven as you bake it.
14. Hold your breath, check the monstrosity and realize it is still rare and still making monster noises. Bake for another 10 minutes to kill it. (I say hold your breath because the smell is nasty. It smells exactly like brownies baking in your neighbor's oven, if your neighbor lives 3 doors down, and you are baking old socks and used tires in your oven.)

At this point, you'll need to slam 2-3 more glasses of wine, wait until the alcohol kicks in, and eat a warm brownie. You'll be half drunk, and it will be marginally edible while it's warm. 

After it's cooled, you'll feel as though you are chewing on my garbage can's wheel.

Use a large steak knife to saw it into pieces. Don't let the flatness of the brownie fool you into thinking it's easy to cut. It didn't rise, so it's way more dense than you think. And again, I don't mean that in a good way.

Now swallow 2-3 stool softener capsules to digest the puck. Sleep in a separate room from your partner that night because you are going to stink up the room with your bean batter farts.

Alternatives

I have heard of people using a mix of blonde brownie mix and a can of white beans to make this recipe. They are the same type of liars that told me you could make the chocolate ones, and I hope they all have itchy tags in all shirts they buy for the rest of their lives.

I have heard of some people not using the liquid from the bean can and instead replacing it with water. Let's face it, this recipe is not good enough to bother trying that.

Jif Chocolate Cheesecake Hazelnut Spread

In a moment of extraordinarily poor judgement, I purchased a jar of Jif Chocolate Cheesecake Flavored Hazelnut Spread.

Or perhaps it was curiosity. Nutella-like goodness swirled with cheesecake? Sign me up.

The cheesecake part is basically cream cheese flavored frosting from a can. Blasphemy.

It's basically sugar with a little flavoring sprinkled on top, but the sprinkling only happens every other Tuesday. The rest of the week, it is just sugary crack.

I can't review the hazelnut part because the taste of the cheesecake crack frosting is drowning out the hazelnut and chocolate flavors.

VERDICT: Crackety.

Truvia pear pie

I used my standard apple pie recipe from Betty Crocker's cookbook and substituted Truvia brown sugar blend and pears. I followed the Truvia package instructions to substitute the sweetener.

Win!  It really tastes good. The Truvia site says their apple pie recipe contains 70% less sugar and 20% less calories than the sugared variety.

Easter Menu!

It was dinner for two today, so I didn't want to be overstuffed and left with too many leftovers.  Everything came out well.  I had eggplant in my main course, as a nod to the holiday. ;)

Bevande

Rum Sour

Antipasti

Deviled Eggs

Primi

Lasagna Alla Norma

Secondi

Stuffed Peppers

Dolce

Italian Pastries

My Xmas Eve Menu

Here it is!  This year I knew I had to make most things ahead or at the last minute, because I didn't have the afternoon free to do my usual cooking marathon.

Several days before, I made the marinated mushrooms.

The day before, I made deviled eggs, crudites, tomato sauce and allrecipes.com's Two Ingredient Pumpkin Cake.  I used Betty Crocker's Gingerbread Cake & Cookie Mix and a small can of pumpkin puree.  I have a personal tradition of making gingerbread cookies and I didn't want to go without them just because I couldn't take the afternoon off...so I came up with this instead.  I am so glad I did.  While the cake doesn't have the cute factor the  decorated gingerbread people do, it's hardly a sacrifice taste-wise.  Maybe this will become my new tradition.

Before you make this, I highly recommend you read the comments posted below the recipe.  I followed the recommendation to add 2 eggs and a little sugar.  I also added my usual extra spices, and a splash of bourbon.  I topped it with one of the poster's recipe for a simple glaze made from confectioner's sugar, nutmeg, cinnamon and milk.  I baked it in 4 small, gift-sized loaf pans.  It is the moistest cake ever.  I'm telling you, it is unbelievable!

The hour before, I made everything else.  For me, I made Veggie Patch Meatless Meatballs.  These are fully cooked, so all you have to do is heat them up.   I don't know why, but I don't think I've ever tried these in spaghetti--what a treat!

For the cheese course, I followed Pillsbury's recipe for Baked Brie with Raspberry Preserves, except I added chopped pecans and almonds.  I omitted the cinnamon stick.

I cut the brie recipe in half so I had extra crescent rolls.  I used a rolling pin to flatten them a bit and sealed the perforations.  Then I spread margarine in them and sprinkled some Parmesan cheese and chopped basil.  Sliced into coins, they were little buttery pinwheels that went nicely with the cold appetizers.

Anyway, back to the brie.  Warm, melty, slightly sweet, creamy, with a flaky crust.  What more could you ask for?  Very good, and different. Lots of compliments!  I am sure puff pastry would be tasty too, but I didn't have time to fuss with that.  The crescents were very tasty and quick.

Then it was on to the Nutella Chess Pie.  I created a recipe involving one of my favorite ingredients--Nutella--into a nice pie reminiscent of warm brownies that aren't quite cooked all the way yet...and you eat them anyway because they are so gooey, fudgy and good.

Well...I'm off to have leftovers of brie and spice cake.  Leftovers that are more HO HO HO than HO HUM!  (OK, I know that was really cheesy! Ha, cheesy!  See what I did there?)

Buon Natale!

Bevande

Cocktails

Antipasti

Marinated Mushrooms ∞ Red & Green Deviled Eggs

Crudités ∞ Basil Pinwheels

Primi

Pasta & Meatballs ∞ Italian Bread with Olive Oil Dip

Secondi

Broiled Shrimp ∞ Broiled Garlic Eggplant

Formaggio

Brie En Croute

Dolce

Nutella Chess Pie ∞ Cookies

Product Review: So Delicious Minis

I previously reviewed So Delicious Nog.  This afternoon I had a hankering for some ice cream and decided to try So Delicious Vanilla Mini Ice Cream Sandwiches.

This product has earned its brand name.  It has the comfort factor of the ice cream sandwiches you used to get in your school cafeteria, except somehow more sophisticated.  Very, very good--and at 100 calories, perfection.

Product Review: Breyer Golden Oreo Ice Cream

I admit I've bought golden Oreos, broken them up and mixed them with ice cream.  I like my ice cream very chunky--more chunks than ice cream actually.

I was wandering the grocery in search of something to soothe my sore throat and my heart jumped when I saw this product.  How could I go wrong?

I didn't read the package very well.  For some reason I had it in my head that it was vanilla ice cream with cookies.  It's not--it's golden Oreo flavored ice cream with cookies mixed in. 

Over the years of excessive ice cream consumption, I've determined I rarely like ice cream that isn't one of 3 flavors--chocolate, coffee or vanilla (ALL beans!).  I like my variety in the form of chunks or sauces.

Somehow Breyer's has managed to make this ice cream itself taste freakishly similar to the cookies.  Now if that's your thang, this ice cream is definitely for you.  I still prefer Breyer's vanilla with lots of cookies.

The sweet appeal of the Nation of Islam's bean pie – Eatocracy - CNN.com Blogs

The sweet appeal of the Nation of Islam's bean pie – Eatocracy - CNN.com Blogs

Just when I think there is no new beany thing I haven't heard off...here we have sweet bean pie, a custardy cousin to sweet potato pie. According to the article linked above, Nation of Islam members' beliefs did not permit them to eat beans, except for navy beans. They came up with this sweet recipe.

I've seen some sweet red bean pastry recipes in my Chinese cookbook, so I guess it's not totally unheard of to eat sweet beans. Interesting...I'll put this on my list of things to try!

Happy Meatless Monday!

Molee, molee, molee!

I was on a mission to have chocolate in every single dish for Valentine's Day, just to see if it could be done. And by that, I mean done well.

Stop wrinkling your nose.
.
.
.

No, really, stop! It's good!

Menu
Chocolate martinis
Spring greens, avocado, fried plantain with balsamic chocolate vinaigrette
Mole tacos (for me--eggplant; for my Valentine--turkey)
Chocolate Kahlua fondue with fresh strawberries and pineapple

By the time we were done with this chocolate extravaganza, we were vowing never to eat chocolate again as long as we lived. lol

I made the mole using a jarred mole paste. The jar's instructions said to blend it with broth--I used vegetable broth. I've never had mole before and hope to make it from scratch one day. I thought I'd try the jarred version first to get an idea of what it's supposed to taste like. Unfortunately, I now have enough mole paste to last me a long time.

I really wanted to try jackfruit in the mole. I've read it lends itself to dishes calling for shredded items in sauces (i.e., a vegetarian version of pulled pork). I couldn't find it in Wegmans, though. I've never even laid eyes on a jackfruit. I suppose that will be my next food quest.

Instead, I tried eggplant for mine. One word: INEDIBLE. Those flavors do not go well together at all. The eggplant tasted sour and the sauce was just odd. My Valentine loved his turkey taco with the same sauce, so my guess is the blend of eggplant and mole was the problem.

As I said, I've never had a mole so I was taking a risk paring it with something unusual without knowing what flavors might go with it. Or maybe it was the fact that I had the "molee molee molee!" scene from Austin Powers stuck in my head. ;)

I composted the mole eggplant and filled my tacos with plantain and the cheese (a nice local soft "farmer's cheese" since our grocery was sold out of queso fresco--equally good too). That was really, really good, especially since there were some remnants of the chocolate salad dressing on the plantain. I know, it sounds so odd, but it was scrumptious.

Other than that, mission accomplished--everything else was really tasty. Is there anything chocolate can't do? (Well yes, apparently there is--go with eggplant.)

I'll post pics as soon as I find the stinking cord to my camera.

P.S. Have a nice day and treat yourself, no matter if you're solo or with a friend. Enjoy. <3

Product Review: Rite-Aid Peanut Butter Cups

I know, I know--what did I expect? Well what I expected is a nice, smooth store brand peanut butter cup like Walmart used to make. (I can't believe I just plugged Walmart. *hangs head in shame*) Sometimes I want a peanut butter cup with smooth filling instead of crunchy.

For $5 ($7 when not on sale) I thought it would at least be tasty. And it is, if you enjoy eating chocolate candles.

The "chocolate" is actually a light brown waxy substance that would be unidentifiable if eaten blindfolded. The filling did have a faint peanut butter flavor and a nice texture, but certainly not worth the calories.

At least the brand had the smarts to call the product what it is, without making up a sad new name for the item to compete with its hipper, more popular cousin (the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup). I can't say the same for the "chocolate lentils" in the same aisle, which were actually a generic form of M&Ms.

Verdict: Buy a candle instead. You'll enjoy it more.

2 Pies for Thanksgiving

Yesterday I was a guest at someone else's home. I offered to bring a pie for dessert--my absolute favorite treat. I also asked if it would be ok if I brought a vegetable dish for myself.

I decided on a vegetable pie. I diced and sauteed some fall vegetables. I made sure to include lots of green onions and differently colored veggies for visual appeal. I included green beans, of course! I added a creamy white wine sauce and baked them inside a pie crust. Here it is, with a pilgrim cutout on top to vent:

It turned out really, really well. I liked it a lot better for Thanksgiving than a heavier shepherd's pie or pot pie (which I've made in previous years). The great thing is, it felt hearty enough to be a main dish, and special enough for a holiday.

Here's my apple pie (with an apple cutout on top to vent):

If I do say so myself, it was the best apple pie ever in human history. Perfect, locally grown New York apples with Mexican cinnamon.

Butter the size of an egg

Right now the sky is gray, it's raining cats and dogs, and it's chilly--that damp sort of cold that seeps into your bones.

I'm making some really old school apple crisp with some delicious apples I got from a local orchard. It's not the traditional crunchy topping. It's a very old recipe that calls for "butter the size of an egg" and has a batter-like topping.

I've entered it into recipe contests and was surprised it didn't win. My guess is, the odd ingredients made it sound unappealing. The ingredients list reads more like a recipe for cookie dough than a traditional fruit crisp.

Except it's sooooo goooooooood. It's light and crispy on the top, warm and soft on the inside. Heaven. Nirvana. Shambala. Whatever name you use for "awesome".

(Yep--there's no beans in this one!)

A sinister celestial cake

Today I've got one thing on my mind and one thing only: FOOD. All I want to do is eat, eat, eat.

Here's the ginormous lunch I had:

Grilled portobello and pepper on a roll with garlicky bean spread, sweet potato salad, grilled corn, and fresh tomatoes with salt and pepper.

Then for dessert:

Angel food cake topped with homegrown strawberries and a leaning tower of Pisa style blob of whipped cream. I actually bought fresh blueberries too so the dessert would be red, white and blue in honor of Independence Day, but I forgot to add them.

I can't stop eating the angel food cake. It is truly one of the best things on the planet. I have eaten so much I think I may qualify as having committed one of the Seven Deadly Sins--gluttony--which isn't very angelic. I am powerless over its mesmerism.

If only there was a device whereby one could lock up a dish and be unable to open it until a preset time. I must invent that.

Grilled tofu and tofu crepes

Emeril's Korean Barbecue Tofu - Planet Green

This dish was featured just now on the TV show Emeril Green. It looks really good, so I thought I'd share it!

He made tofu crepes for dessert.  Before you cringe, check it out.  I've made desserts with soft tofu and you would not believe how good they are.  Remember, tofu has little flavor on its own, so when you add citrus or vanilla, the flavorings are clear and intense.  I am a bit skeptical of the crepes themselves--I like my traditional crepe recipe--but Emeril shares a vegan crepe recipe here.

Emeril's Orange Crepes--with video

The key to enjoying tofu is to not expect it to "taste just like cheese" or "taste just like chicken breast".  It doesn't (although it can be pretty close).  If you approach tofu dishes thinking you're going to have an identical substitute, you're going to gross yourself out.  Let the tofu be what it is, in its own way, and you'll love it.

Have trouble grilling grill tofu?  Here are some techniques:

• Buy extra firm tofu and drain very well.  For some brands, that's enough for you to be able to grill it, as long as you're gentle and don't try to flip it and move it around more than twice.  If that doesn't work...
• Try slicing it after you drain it, and freeze it.  It will be very dry, so this method is suited to sauced dishes.  This does work--the tofu doesn't fall apart.

Happy Memorial Day!

Kumquats remake two sublime treats

I saw some organic kumquats in the market yesterday.  I had no idea what I was going to do with them, but I bought them anyway, as I often do.  I like adventures. ;)

I had a plain one and it was way too tart on its own, even for me, a lover of tartness.

So....I squeezed one over a scoop of Haagen Dazs vanilla bean ice cream.  Oh.my.goodness.

I took another, broke it in half, and squeezed it into my espresso.  Another foodgasm.  (Kids, if you're going to try this at home, you should probably be sure to not add the kumquat until after you've mixed your cream in well.  Otherwise it might curdle.)

Making over two treats that are already perfect on their own--awesomeness. ;)