Beans + Brownie Mix + Wine + Colace = Healthy, Easy Dessert

Social media is buzzing with a new fad of making brownies with just a box of brownie mix and a can of beans. I've been hesitating to try it because it sounds too good to be true, but after 392 people say something is healthy, easy and good, it makes me curious.

Basically, they say you can simply puree a can of black beans, stir in boxed brownie mix, bake as normal, and have delicious results.

And that is true, if you like demi dolce brownies. Demi dolce is a beautiful thing, say for some Italian dessert recipes. It's also great for brownies, if you like your brownies tough and 10% satisfying to eat.

You have to tread lightly when making a dessert healthy. If you take it too far to the healthy side, you could wind up unsatisfied when eating it, and eating larger portions.

I can attest to this, because I've got a fibrous black bean mass living in my colon right now that would undoubtedly show up on x-rays. I may need to have it surgically removed.

This recipe is:

• easy
• cheap
• a great thing to bring to a potluck, if you want to never be invited again
• chocolatey, in the sense that it's the color, but not the flavor of chocolate
• dense, not in a good way
• chewy, if you like to gnaw on a rawhide dog toy
• a waste of good ingredients that didn't deserve this fate
• a crime against your stomach
• banned in some countries

Ingredients

• 1 box brownie mix (I used an 18 ounce box.)
• 1 can no salt black beans 
• wine, to taste
• 2-3 capsules of over-the-counter stool softener

Instructions

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
2. Grease a 13 " x 9 " pan.
3. Pour the wine into your favorite drinking glass.
4. Pour the can of beans into a large mixing bowl.
5. Use your stick blender to puree them until smooth.
6. Take a break to get a sip of wine and pat yourself on the back for cracking the code of secretly healthy brownies.
7. Pour the brownie mix into the mixing bowl.
8. Do not smell the batter. (You were warned.)
9. Weep because of the crime you just committed.
10. Stir vigorously until well blended. This will be a workout because you're basically mixing something the consistency of grout.
11. Realize you have just made a huge error in judgement making this recipe, take 4 more sips of wine, and go all in.
12. Pour the concoction into the baking pan. Work quickly, because the batter will thicken by the second as it evolves before your eyes into a sentient, malevolent being. Here is an actual photo of the batter before malevolence took hold.
    
13. Bake for as long as it says on the box. Ignore the moans and screams coming from the oven as you bake it.
14. Hold your breath, check the monstrosity and realize it is still rare and still making monster noises. Bake for another 10 minutes to kill it. (I say hold your breath because the smell is nasty. It smells exactly like brownies baking in your neighbor's oven, if your neighbor lives 3 doors down, and you are baking old socks and used tires in your oven.)

At this point, you'll need to slam 2-3 more glasses of wine, wait until the alcohol kicks in, and eat a warm brownie. You'll be half drunk, and it will be marginally edible while it's warm. 

After it's cooled, you'll feel as though you are chewing on my garbage can's wheel.

Use a large steak knife to saw it into pieces. Don't let the flatness of the brownie fool you into thinking it's easy to cut. It didn't rise, so it's way more dense than you think. And again, I don't mean that in a good way.

Now swallow 2-3 stool softener capsules to digest the puck. Sleep in a separate room from your partner that night because you are going to stink up the room with your bean batter farts.

Alternatives

I have heard of people using a mix of blonde brownie mix and a can of white beans to make this recipe. They are the same type of liars that told me you could make the chocolate ones, and I hope they all have itchy tags in all shirts they buy for the rest of their lives.

I have heard of some people not using the liquid from the bean can and instead replacing it with water. Let's face it, this recipe is not good enough to bother trying that.

Unbelievably delicious DIY instant vegan soup

I threw this together today and wanted to share. So easy, and it didn't need refrigeration!

If you don't know, TVP stands for textured vegetable protein. It is a soy product. It comes in chunks (like ground beef) or strips (like beef strips).

Ingredients:

1/2 brick of ramen noodles without seasoning packet
1 tbs miso
1 tbs chopped green onion
1/2 vegetarian bullion cube
sriracha, to taste
3/4 cup TVP strips
1 1/2 cups water

How to pack this lunch:

Put the TVP in the bottom of a portable soup cup. Add the rest of the ingredients except for the water.

How to heat it up:

Add hot water, ensuring the TVP and noodles are covered. Let sit for about 15 minutes until TVP and noodles are soft. Stir.

Pseudoscience

I have long taken an interest in pseudoscience and scientific illiteracy, and its harm to society. Recently, I've been following the antics of a blogger who calls herself Food Babe. From what I see, she largely posts selfies of herself traveling to exotic places with random bits of snake oil logic underneath, along with an admonition to buy products from her sponsors. Yet she has a large following.

Recently I came across this post on another blog, glorifying Food Babe as a vegan victim of Internet bullies. I posted the following comment underneath. I wonder if it will get posted!

Food Babe author Vani Deva Hari is far from vegan. She posts about bacon, butter, cream, etc.

You are correct that she has a large number of detractors, though I do not know of any reason to believe “they” are getting paid. I know I’m not.

I do not agree with people being nasty or bullying.

Stating truths and criticizing falsehoods is responsible and appropriate. Vani has made an enormous amount of false, dangerous statements, such as the following.

-Microwaved water’s molecules say ‘Hitler’ and ‘Satan’ when they vibrate
-Flu vaccines are dangerous
-Hospitals try to make you sick by giving you unhealthy food
-GMOs are dangerous
-Airlines are poisoning the air with nitrogen

Pseudoscience and conspiracy theories are a serious detriment to society. What we need is increasing scientific literacy, curiosity and skepticism to enable people to make better choices for their health.

Creamsicle smoothie!

98 degrees and hot flashes. Necessity is the mother of invention!

I blended about 2 tablespoons of orange juice concentrate with 2/3 cup soymilk, a teaspoon of vanilla extract and 1.5 cups of soymilk. Fantastic!

Nutrition and Cancer Prevention

Easy Mediterranean Lunch Salad

1 can of chic peas
1 beefsteak tomato
1 medium cucumber
1 tbs fresh mint
juice of 1/2 a lemon
dash of ground cumin
1 garlic clove
8 oz drained yogurt (plain) [can be made with fat-free or vegan yogurt if you wish]
salt and pepper

Drain your beans. Meanwhile, dice the tomato and drain.

Separately, dice the cucumber and mix in the salt. Set aside for 10 minutes, then pour off the juice.  Add the yogurt, pepper, and cumin. Crush the garlic and julienne the mint. Mix everything together.

Eat as a salad or sandwich filling.

Easter Menu!

It was dinner for two today, so I didn't want to be overstuffed and left with too many leftovers.  Everything came out well.  I had eggplant in my main course, as a nod to the holiday. ;)

Bevande

Rum Sour

Antipasti

Deviled Eggs

Primi

Lasagna Alla Norma

Secondi

Stuffed Peppers

Dolce

Italian Pastries

My lazy, accidentally vegan, unbutton-your-pants Thanksgiving dinner!

Welcome to another one of my post-holiday bragging sessions! ;)

I didn't get to have my usual homemade Thanksgiving dinner, so I woke up this morning, a day off ahead, and wanting it for breakfast.  I threw together what I had on hand, and then realized, heck, this is vegan--a little bonus!

I had store bought mashed potatoes and pie.

I made some homemade cranberry sauce--so easy and perfect.

I drained a can of yams, added a blend of brown sugar, spices and melted margarine I made in the microwave.  Done.

I had cornbread stuffing mix--done, obviously.

I made some gravy from margarine, flour, bouillon, milk (use whatever type of milk or cream you like) and fresh herbs.  Done.

Sheesh, this meal is looking awfully starchy.  Hmm.  What can I add that has more protein?  I had some frozen beans.

Before I go on--frozen pinto beans!  I've recently discovered these and they are so convenient.  Nothing added, just cooked beans that you can sprinkle in your dishes in whatever sized portions you like.  You can even throw them on a salad you're packing for lunch and they'll be defrosted by the time you eat.

Ok, back to the meal.  This was actually a really lazy way to make beans.  To a baking pan, I added margarine, salt, pepper, cumin, diced onions, a carrot, beans, a dash of siracha sauce, and nonalcoholic beer.  Threw that in the oven to let the liquids cook down.  When it was done, I just mixed it with my hand blender until it had the consistency of loose refried beans. 

The beans tasted awesome with gravy on them.  Sounds weird to me, but sometimes when you have cravings, the belly wants what it wants--and you might think of an awesome idea if you listen to it!  I was pretty shocked to see how easy it was to flavor them to complement the rest of the traditional meal.

After they baked for a while, I added the rest of the stuff to the oven to warm it up.

I cannot believe how awesome everything tasted, and it was all so easy!

Roasted tofu sandwich

Had a delicious lunch of roasted tofu and plantain in a wrap!  I sliced the tofu and coated it lightly in olive oil and chipotle sauce, then sliced a very ripe plantain lengthwise and coated it in the same manner.  Then I salted and peppered it all, and baked in for 20 minutes in a 400 degree oven.  So good!

Restaurant Review: Loving Hut

Believe it or not, I had never been to a vegetarian restaurant before today!

I had the Spicy Cha-Cha which was like breaded shrimp over lettuce and red/green bell peppers.  It had a spicy-sweet dipping sauce.  It was very tasty--very much like shrimp except milder.  (I appreciated that it had less of that strong seafood flavor like shrimp has--some of the "imitation meats" are too similar to meat for my taste.) 

I had a refreshing glass of hibiscus iced tea.  This is destined to become my new favorite drink.  It has a tangy flavor like cranberry, which contrasts nicely with its sweetness.

My non-vegetarian dining partner had a sweet and sour stir fry with cubed, battered soy protein.  He said it was good, even though he was really resistant to eating at a vegan place.  He mentioned he does not like tofu but ordered this instead of going for one of the "beefy" dishes.  Afterwards, he told me he did not realize he was ordering something that might be similar to tofu.  Again, he said he liked it but he wasn't gaga over it either, only because of the protein.  We plan to head back so he can try one of the beef-alikes.

It is extremely clean and a peaceful place to eat a casual meal.  The staff is quite friendly.

Here is their website.  Give it a try!

Verdict:  Excellent!

Healthy summer drinks

I'm trying to cut down on sugar intake and increase liquids*, and I'm getting really sick of water.  Sooo...I've been experimenting and here's a few successes:

• 1 slice of lemon, 1 slice of lime, ice and club soda (refreshing but not sicky sweet)
• 1 slice of orange, a few slices of cucumber, ice and water
• a few shots of espresso (decaf works too), creamer, and crushed ice blended (frozen coffee drink!)
• dash of vanilla extract, club soda and ice (less sweet version of cream soda)
• Zevia ginger root beer

I'm planning to try making a stevia version of horchata too!
_______
*Why, you ask?  Well besides the fact that it's summer....I moved to the low desert and I'm not feeling as thirsty as I should be.  Apparently humidity makes you feel thirstier.  I'm trying to push myself to drink more until I adjust. This also explains why I'm into horchata all of a sudden. :D

Cannellini gaspacho

When I spent a semester in Spain, I first tasted chilled soup.  They made a cool, refreshing soup out of pureed tomatoes, garlic, fresh olive oil and cucumber chunks.  I've adapted it here by adding some cooked cannellini beans before pureeing.  You actually can't taste the beans but it makes the dish heartier...which was perfect for me right after I had dental work. :)

Another healthy, delicious, gourmet, easy-to-make way to enjoy fresh summer produce and some white beans!  Here it is, packed for lunch at work.

Hummus & Roasted Vegetable Wraps--easy!

I've got a lot going on so I am not inclined to fuss with anything time-consuming right now.

I bought some plain tortillas, store-bought hummus, a few red peppers and an eggplant.  I sliced the vegetables into big "fingers", tossed them with oil and roasted them.  I've been packing my lunch by putting the hummus and veg into a container, to be spread on a freshly warmed (microwaved) wrap right before eating.

I've always been a bit skeptical of the hummus sandwiches I read about in vegetarian magazines and websites.  Yet it really is extremely flavorful and satisfying.

One of my metrics on how good a meal is--how much I look forward to eating it, even if I ate the same thing all week.  This one passes! 

Learning by Doing

Ever since I was a little kid, I tend to try new things, just for the adventure of doing them.  I often will embark on an adventure and research instructions midway.  This procedure has not served me well, but for some reason the fascination is lowered if I look up the facts first. 

Yes, if it's some major undertaking, like tiling my backsplash, I get instructions first.  Little trial-and-error things, like growing something new--I like to try it out myself to see if I can come up with an innovative way to do it without being influenced by others.  This is generally a silly and unproductive way to do things. :)

Not learning from past failures, I tried sprouting lentils this week.  I make no excuses for this.  Fed up with our still-snowy weather at the cusp of May, I crave green and growing things. 

So now I've got a fresh crop of lentil sprouts in my sprouting jar.  I'm trying to get them a little bigger so I'm eating less bean and more sprout, only because I'm concerned the raw lentils won't be edible.  Lentils have a lot more fiber than many other beans--eating them raw would seem to be a form of self abuse. :) 

So then I looked it up and found this blog post.  The guacamole blended with lentil sprout puree sounds good. 

My sprouts need to get a little greener.  I'm putting them on the windowsill today to see if they'll green up.  Then bring on the experimentation!

Vegetarian spring rolls

Lately I've been lunching on what I call vegetarian spring rolls. I bought rice paper wrappers which I fill with slices of avocado, mung bean sprouts, and Asian marinated baked tofu. I dip them in a combination of white vinegar and Thai chili sauce.

Goes well with a cup of Thai coconut vegetable soup.

I've found freezing sliced avocados keeps them from browning.

How do you like your....cereal?

Light and sweet?

I have tried every iteration of oatmeal I think. Milk, soymilk, water. Margarine or none. Dark brown sugar, light brown sugar, white sugar, molasses or stevia. Fresh fruit, dried fruit, frozen bananas warmed and mashed, cranberry sauce, applesauce, pumpkin or none. Cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice or none. Salt or none. Rolled oats, toasted rolled oats, or steel cut oats.

I've also tried cream of wheat, cream of rice, cornmeal mush, and porridge made from various grains--rye, wheat berries, couscous, etc.

I've found my favorite is steel cut oats made with water, dark brown sugar, margarine and cinnamon.

What's your favorite?

Butter the size of an egg

Right now the sky is gray, it's raining cats and dogs, and it's chilly--that damp sort of cold that seeps into your bones.

I'm making some really old school apple crisp with some delicious apples I got from a local orchard. It's not the traditional crunchy topping. It's a very old recipe that calls for "butter the size of an egg" and has a batter-like topping.

I've entered it into recipe contests and was surprised it didn't win. My guess is, the odd ingredients made it sound unappealing. The ingredients list reads more like a recipe for cookie dough than a traditional fruit crisp.

Except it's sooooo goooooooood. It's light and crispy on the top, warm and soft on the inside. Heaven. Nirvana. Shambala. Whatever name you use for "awesome".

(Yep--there's no beans in this one!)

About this Blog

Beans are the solution to two of America's greatest social problems--the economy and obesity. This blog provides easy, unique meal ideas, product and restaurant reviews, and anecdotes about cooking successes and failures, along with a side dish of humor--all related to the humble legume.