Cream pudding using tofu

 Avoiding a recent disaster, I returned to tweak my longstanding recipe (instant pudding mix + extra firm silken tofu). It came out really good, without that tofu flavor assaulting you. It's noon and I've already eaten it as a filling in 2 pieces of pie.

The addition of flavored extract helps negate the tofu aftertaste that was bugging me. The addition of fat improves mouthfeel and makes it more dessert-like.

Formula

• 1 box instant pudding mix
• 2 tsp flavored extract
• 2 tbs melted butter or margarine
• 4 oz coconut milk
• 1 block of extra firm silken tofu

Drain the tofu. Put everything in a bowl and blend it together until it's totally smooth. That's it.

Yesterday I used vanilla pudding mix and coconut extract in this recipe. I toasted some coconut to sprinkle on top. It was definitely better the next day.

Vegan Pumpkin Quinoa Breakfast Porridge

I made this recipe today in my crock pot. I liked this one because it contained a higher proportion of pumpkin than most other recipes I've seen.

It's pretty good! I ended up using molasses as the sweetener, so much that it's overwhelming the flavor. Next time, I'd use a  little molasses combined with sugar or stevia.

I used rice milk, but you could use soymilk to make it beany! I stuck with the recommended coconut milk for serving. I wasn't sure how that would taste with pumpkin, but it works.

It's a keeper--easy to make while you're telecommuting, and healthy.

Vanilla Pudding Disaster

 One week later and I'm hanging my head in shame for falling for another bad recipe: Vegan Vanilla Pudding.

It sounded SO GOOD. I wanted to believe.

After the recommended 10 minute cook time on low heat, the mixture is still iced cold. I cooked another 20 minutes--3 times the cook time in the directions--and it's still total liquid. Not thick at all.

I guess I need to stick to stuff that is tested in professional kitchens or something. I guess they vet the ingredients list to be sure it's specific enough for a home cook to get it right. 

Tofu + Cake Mix = Tragedy

So I fell for a bad recipe again. Oof. I am a big fan of tofu and eat it in desserts often, but the taste and texture of this is very unpleasant. 

This recipe promises an easy box mix cake with only 300g of soft tofu, cake mix , 1/4 cup of water and nothing else. It has been published on numerous sites, and once again believed those same 372 people claiming it's great. Are that many people born missing taste buds, or did they happen to have the same sized tofu and cake mix  as the author? We'll never know.

I used a basic "perfectly moist" Duncan Hines box. The recipe just said to use moist cake mix, without mentioning a size.

Also, it was a challenge to get 300g of soft tofu without a scale. Nowhere in my area is tofu sold in that size, so I had to do my best to remove the extra 50g of tofu that comes in the block.

With the 1/4 cup of water the recipe calls for, the batter was too thick. I had to add a full cup of water just to be able to use the mixer, and even then it was super thick, like drop cookies.

I've now baked this for 1.5x as long as the box calls for and it has a raw/tofu taste to it. It did not brown up like normal cakes do. 

Do.Not.Make.This.

Beans + Brownie Mix + Wine + Colace = Healthy, Easy Dessert

Social media is buzzing with a new fad of making brownies with just a box of brownie mix and a can of beans. I've been hesitating to try it because it sounds too good to be true, but after 392 people say something is healthy, easy and good, it makes me curious.

Basically, they say you can simply puree a can of black beans, stir in boxed brownie mix, bake as normal, and have delicious results.

And that is true, if you like demi dolce brownies. Demi dolce is a beautiful thing, say for some Italian dessert recipes. It's also great for brownies, if you like your brownies tough and 10% satisfying to eat.

You have to tread lightly when making a dessert healthy. If you take it too far to the healthy side, you could wind up unsatisfied when eating it, and eating larger portions.

I can attest to this, because I've got a fibrous black bean mass living in my colon right now that would undoubtedly show up on x-rays. I may need to have it surgically removed.

This recipe is:

• easy
• cheap
• a great thing to bring to a potluck, if you want to never be invited again
• chocolatey, in the sense that it's the color, but not the flavor of chocolate
• dense, not in a good way
• chewy, if you like to gnaw on a rawhide dog toy
• a waste of good ingredients that didn't deserve this fate
• a crime against your stomach
• banned in some countries

Ingredients

• 1 box brownie mix (I used an 18 ounce box.)
• 1 can no salt black beans 
• wine, to taste
• 2-3 capsules of over-the-counter stool softener

Instructions

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
2. Grease a 13 " x 9 " pan.
3. Pour the wine into your favorite drinking glass.
4. Pour the can of beans into a large mixing bowl.
5. Use your stick blender to puree them until smooth.
6. Take a break to get a sip of wine and pat yourself on the back for cracking the code of secretly healthy brownies.
7. Pour the brownie mix into the mixing bowl.
8. Do not smell the batter. (You were warned.)
9. Weep because of the crime you just committed.
10. Stir vigorously until well blended. This will be a workout because you're basically mixing something the consistency of grout.
11. Realize you have just made a huge error in judgement making this recipe, take 4 more sips of wine, and go all in.
12. Pour the concoction into the baking pan. Work quickly, because the batter will thicken by the second as it evolves before your eyes into a sentient, malevolent being. Here is an actual photo of the batter before malevolence took hold.
    
13. Bake for as long as it says on the box. Ignore the moans and screams coming from the oven as you bake it.
14. Hold your breath, check the monstrosity and realize it is still rare and still making monster noises. Bake for another 10 minutes to kill it. (I say hold your breath because the smell is nasty. It smells exactly like brownies baking in your neighbor's oven, if your neighbor lives 3 doors down, and you are baking old socks and used tires in your oven.)

At this point, you'll need to slam 2-3 more glasses of wine, wait until the alcohol kicks in, and eat a warm brownie. You'll be half drunk, and it will be marginally edible while it's warm. 

After it's cooled, you'll feel as though you are chewing on my garbage can's wheel.

Use a large steak knife to saw it into pieces. Don't let the flatness of the brownie fool you into thinking it's easy to cut. It didn't rise, so it's way more dense than you think. And again, I don't mean that in a good way.

Now swallow 2-3 stool softener capsules to digest the puck. Sleep in a separate room from your partner that night because you are going to stink up the room with your bean batter farts.

Alternatives

I have heard of people using a mix of blonde brownie mix and a can of white beans to make this recipe. They are the same type of liars that told me you could make the chocolate ones, and I hope they all have itchy tags in all shirts they buy for the rest of their lives.

I have heard of some people not using the liquid from the bean can and instead replacing it with water. Let's face it, this recipe is not good enough to bother trying that.

Aquafaba English Pancakes

I tried these today. I used black salt instead of table salt to give it a slight eggy taste. This resulted in a really strong sulfur smell, so I added a bunch of nutmeg (another eggy sort of flavor), a pinch of cinnamon and 2 tbs of sugar. The sulfur smell went away and the flavor was definitely in the background.

These were totally awesome and easy to make. Try them!

https://avirtualvegan.com/vegan-english-pancakes/

Unbelievably delicious DIY instant vegan soup

I threw this together today and wanted to share. So easy, and it didn't need refrigeration!

If you don't know, TVP stands for textured vegetable protein. It is a soy product. It comes in chunks (like ground beef) or strips (like beef strips).

Ingredients:

1/2 brick of ramen noodles without seasoning packet
1 tbs miso
1 tbs chopped green onion
1/2 vegetarian bullion cube
sriracha, to taste
3/4 cup TVP strips
1 1/2 cups water

How to pack this lunch:

Put the TVP in the bottom of a portable soup cup. Add the rest of the ingredients except for the water.

How to heat it up:

Add hot water, ensuring the TVP and noodles are covered. Let sit for about 15 minutes until TVP and noodles are soft. Stir.