Social media is buzzing with a new fad of making brownies with just a box of brownie mix and a can of beans. I've been hesitating to try it because it sounds too good to be true, but after 392 people say something is healthy, easy and good, it makes me curious.
Basically, they say you can simply puree a can of black beans, stir in boxed brownie mix, bake as normal, and have delicious results.
And that is true, if you like demi dolce brownies. Demi dolce is a beautiful thing, say for some Italian dessert recipes. It's also great for brownies, if you like your brownies tough and 10% satisfying to eat.
You have to tread lightly when making a dessert healthy. If you take it too far to the healthy side, you could wind up unsatisfied when eating it, and eating larger portions.
I can attest to this, because I've got a fibrous black bean mass living in my colon right now that would undoubtedly show up on x-rays. I may need to have it surgically removed.
This recipe is:
Basically, they say you can simply puree a can of black beans, stir in boxed brownie mix, bake as normal, and have delicious results.
And that is true, if you like demi dolce brownies. Demi dolce is a beautiful thing, say for some Italian dessert recipes. It's also great for brownies, if you like your brownies tough and 10% satisfying to eat.
You have to tread lightly when making a dessert healthy. If you take it too far to the healthy side, you could wind up unsatisfied when eating it, and eating larger portions.
I can attest to this, because I've got a fibrous black bean mass living in my colon right now that would undoubtedly show up on x-rays. I may need to have it surgically removed.
This recipe is:
- easy
- cheap
- a great thing to bring to a potluck, if you want to never be invited again
- chocolatey, in the sense that it's the color, but not the flavor of chocolate
- dense, not in a good way
- chewy, if you like to gnaw on a rawhide dog toy
- a waste of good ingredients that didn't deserve this fate
- a crime against your stomach
- banned in some countries
Ingredients
- 1 box brownie mix (I used an 18 ounce box.)
- 1 can no salt black beans
- wine, to taste
- 2-3 capsules of over-the-counter stool softener
Instructions
- Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
- Grease a 13 " x 9 " pan.
- Pour the wine into your favorite drinking glass.
- Pour the can of beans into a large mixing bowl.
- Use your stick blender to puree them until smooth.
- Take a break to get a sip of wine and pat yourself on the back for cracking the code of secretly healthy brownies.
- Pour the brownie mix into the mixing bowl.
- Do not smell the batter. (You were warned.)
- Weep because of the crime you just committed.
- Stir vigorously until well blended. This will be a workout because you're basically mixing something the consistency of grout.
- Realize you have just made a huge error in judgement making this recipe, take 4 more sips of wine, and go all in.
- Pour the concoction into the baking pan. Work quickly, because the batter will thicken by the second as it evolves before your eyes into a sentient, malevolent being. Here is an actual photo of the batter before malevolence took hold.
- Bake for as long as it says on the box. Ignore the moans and screams coming from the oven as you bake it.
- Hold your breath, check the monstrosity and realize it is still rare and still making monster noises. Bake for another 10 minutes to kill it. (I say hold your breath because the smell is nasty. It smells exactly like brownies baking in your neighbor's oven, if your neighbor lives 3 doors down, and you are baking old socks and used tires in your oven.)
At this point, you'll need to slam 2-3 more glasses of wine, wait until the alcohol kicks in, and eat a warm brownie. You'll be half drunk, and it will be marginally edible while it's warm.
After it's cooled, you'll feel as though you are chewing on my garbage can's wheel.
Use a large steak knife to saw it into pieces. Don't let the flatness of the brownie fool you into thinking it's easy to cut. It didn't rise, so it's way more dense than you think. And again, I don't mean that in a good way.
Now swallow 2-3 stool softener capsules to digest the puck. Sleep in a separate room from your partner that night because you are going to stink up the room with your bean batter farts.
Alternatives
I have heard of people using a mix of blonde brownie mix and a can of white beans to make this recipe. They are the same type of liars that told me you could make the chocolate ones, and I hope they all have itchy tags in all shirts they buy for the rest of their lives.
I have heard of some people not using the liquid from the bean can and instead replacing it with water. Let's face it, this recipe is not good enough to bother trying that.
